Half-Marathons and Other Ideas for the Criminally Insane

I swear I almost entitled this post "Let's Find Out How Desperate I Am For Attention." 

A few weeks ago my much more athletic, much more beautiful, and overall better person of a cousin called me to ask whether I would join her in running a half-marathon this fall. To which I replied, "Half?  Why not full?", followed by overly boisterous laughter, followed by "Are you still there?"

I then launched into upbeat panic conversation with the sycophantic stylings of Alex P. Keaton at a republican national convention.  I must have hyperventilated and passed out along the way, because the phone conversation ended with an email confirmation of my registration into the race, including a full financial commitment, guaranteed by the remainder of my VISA credit balance.  $120.....just to prove that I'm a failure at sports and self-awareness.

So I found a novice training schedule developed by Hal Higdon, who apparently is well-known in the running-is-also-a-sport subculture that has recently infiltrated the permeable barrier of normal, comfortably sedentary human society.  I modified it ever so slightly to accommodate my work schedule and to stealthily implant a massage a week before the race.

The massage really needed to be written into the schedule so that, if questioned, I can say, with genuine honesty, to my husband, "Well, there's really no way around it; it's right there in the schedule."  

You see, honesty is really important in a marriage.  That, and a working knowledge of contract law.

On the days calling for "strength," I am doing this routine.

Or I could collect all my daughter's princess tiaras and just lift them.

On the days calling for cross-training, I'm riding the stationary bike or, as I call it, a half-hour of sweating within inches of another person who is also sweating while pretending the other person isn't there (which is how my two kids ended up here).  SNAP!  That's another thing that's really important in a marriage---bedroom humor.  I think my husband really appreciates all the laughter when the clothes come off.

I never worked out much on a stationary bike before, as evidenced by my recent discovery that there is something called a "recumbent bike" which is apparently designed for people who find sitting in an upright position too taxing.  Obviously, this was my bike of choice.  I found a 30-minute workout on SNAP Fitness's webpage that left me breathless.  

So, I finished the first week of the program on Saturday.  Based on the lingering burning sensation in my lungs and the beginnings of what I can only assume to be para-paralysis in my lower half, I'm thinking that it would be less pain and trouble to acquire a time machine and travel back to just before my cousin's phone call to go ahead and just bludgeon my legs with a sledgehammer.  Only time will tell.